Thursday, March 01, 2007

With the Onion the tears come from the laughing.

Here are some pointed old classiscs from the Onion.



Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ.

Fellow survivor Elaine Drenholt says her involvement with a cult drained her more than just spiritually. "I used to give all my money, resources, and time to the Cosmic Yoho Radiance," she said. Drenholt proudly notes that these days, she spends most of her time volunteering at the Fellowship House, where she strives to earn salvation through charity, stewardship and volunteer work.

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Though cults often keep initiates surrounded at all times by other members, preventing the victim from having the chance to think any individual thoughts, Hurley says that, with time, the Fellowship House can help "break" such conditioning. By providing an environment in which survivors have constant, 24-hour access to prayer counselors and other support staff, the house helps them feel closer to Christ and His all-encompassing love.

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"Look," she said, her expression turning serious, "some of the men and women who have come through the Fellowship House were actually involved in ritual cannibalism at one time. Now they can turn their back on darkness and confusion. They are free to take their first communion, and in the sacramental eating and drinking of the body and blood of Christ, they have been washed of their sins by the blood of the Lamb."





Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack.

Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting room of a Huntsville abortion clinic Tuesday.

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"He walked up to the admissions desk and asked if He could see Dr. Woodring," receptionist Iris Reid said. "The next thing I knew, He was shouting Biblical verses and opening fire on everything moving."

"It was horrible," said injured clinic nurse Jessica Combs, recovering at a local hospital with bullet wounds to the leg and abdomen. "He put his hands over Dr. Woodring's head and told him He forgave him for his sins, and then He shot him right in the face." Huntsville police officials are not certain how the Messiah was able to bypass clinic guards and proceed undetected past security cameras and into the clinic waiting room, where He produced the gun from its hiding place in the folds of His robe. Federal investigators are similarly baffled, saying that the heavily armed Christ had moved in "mysterious ways."

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According to legal experts, if convicted, Christ could face the death penalty.

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"The state of Alabama has the death penalty, and this crime is certainly the sort that would be construed as a capital offense," University of Michigan law professor Arthur Lipscomb said. "With the right judge and jury, Christ could very well be put to death yet again." In such a case, Lipscomb said, Alabama would likely use lethal injection rather than crucifixion.

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Tuesday's shooting is not Christ's first brush with the law. On April 8, 29, He was arrested in the Roman province of Judea for alleged false claims to the throne of the Kingdom of Israel. On Jan. 11, 1996, He and six other pro-life activists were jailed for blocking the entrance to a Cheektowaga, NY, abortion clinic. In October 1997, He was arrested for plotting to mail anthrax-laced packages to two dozen abortion doctors across the U.S. "Abortion is an abomination. It is a sin. It is murder," Christ said. "I only did what any good Christian would have done." Christ's followers have been overwhelmingly supportive of their leader.

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"Those people at that clinic were killers, and they deserved to die." "We may not understand everything He does, but we must believe it is for the best," said Rev. Joseph Abernathy, minister at First United Baptist Church of Huntsville. "As Christians, it is not our duty to question what our Savior does. We can only live according to His example."

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